Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
