3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
