she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
