Just took my morning after pill in the library
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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