Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
