Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
there is puke in my bra ... again
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