this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
