Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
