Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
