Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
