A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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