He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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