I cannot find my penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
