I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
