Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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