The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
