Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
