Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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