I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
