This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
