the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
