I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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