I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
