Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
