i used baking grease as lip gloss
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
