You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
