I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
