I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
