There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
