So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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