Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
