I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
