I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
