I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
