I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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