I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
