I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize