Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
