Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
