wakey wakey hands off snakey
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
