remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
