god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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