So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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