so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize