Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
