i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
