i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
