Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
