I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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