next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
