we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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