I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
