I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
