i think i have herpe
just one?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
