did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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