Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
