Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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