I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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