your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
