so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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