Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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