I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
