I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
