if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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