our cab driver is having phone sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
