I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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